I’ve achieved it and yet I feel so hollow. In my youth and in my dreams I imagined being an Attorney would yield unbounded happiness, where I would frolick in the garden of justice playing wanton gambols with the wind. Yet today there is no titillation, nothing. Just a dark, hollow chasm.
As I sit and contemplate, all I can think of is what it has cost me to get here. In reality, I fear it has cost me something I can never ever fully recover. I fear that I have lost my faith. My faith in what I wonder? Is it my faith in humanity, society, love and worst of all in myself.
I lost my faith in God at 15 and that was 15 years ago. Am I set to regain it now that’s been 15 years apart? Is it a coincidence that I feel like this after spending the last 15 years apart from some omipotent, omniscient force/energy/spirit/being?Separated from God you say. What/who is this GOD? Is God some sort of panacea? I wonder.
For now I fear I have lost grip of the few strands of faith unto which I had latched and used to propel my existence. Like an Aladdin that's fallen off the magic carpet and been thrown into the desert. Couldn't hold onto the edge of the carpet and was thrown off. Is this the story of ME?
How does one carry on without faith in God, humanity, society, love and oneself? What is there to hold onto? I ask myself why I’ve had to endure all this? Is this perhaps the lesson the Bhagvad Gita sought to convey on the utter futility and illusory nature of all human endeavour and achievement?
Should I retreat from the world, become a monk and dedicate myself solely to knowing GOD, the only truth? Rid myself of all attachment? I wonder if this is the way to go? Have I seen the truth, and does my pain come from the fact that I refuse to acknowledge it. I wonder. So many questions with no immediate answers.
Maybe I should just stop giving a fuck about the meaning of life. Perhaps I’m too caught up in the mistaken idea of the meaningfulness of existence, and ultimately my own existence. Perhaps I suffer from a vanity that drives me to contemplate all these thoughts as if they matter in a vain bid to establish and justify the significance of my own existence.
All I know at this point is that a man cannot live without hope and faith. The question is hope and faith in what? What can one hope in when one no longer has faith in God, Love, Humanity, and Them.
Perhaps I should end it all and put a stop to the ubiqitous reveries and mirages of life which harbor a false and illusory hope. It is a sad day indeed when a man elects to believe in the falsity and not the audacity of hope. Right now I need a bit of Obama in me.
Maybe I have just made the journey from innocence to experience like a figure in a William Blake poem.
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"Have I seen the truth, and does my pain come from the fact that I refuse to acknowledge it. I wonder."
ReplyDeleteDo you realize you never punctuated this line with a question mark.?Do you realize you phrased this as a statement? And it is my belief that this is no mistake.
This is the truest statement of honesty you have made...of all the questions it stands out from the crowd of others.....legitimate questions, all of them. Yet all overshadowed by the Answer you have found by "asking", I would say by STATING, this one very simple one, right in the middle of all the rest.
Do you know that you have been Found? Do you know that HE has Known you since before the foundations of the Earth? Before you were a "twinkle" in you parents' eyes...you were on the mind of this God whom you believe you have denied.
Yes, buried on lines 25 and 26 of your 41-line-venture, you Dare to ask yourself the questions some live their whole life only assuming the answers to.
It is Not a riddle. Not a code. Not a mind game.
It is the GodMan Jesus. He is who you are dying to find, and whom you can only find by dying.
This death to Self-the Nature with which we were all born- is fallen and depraved, wounds the already wounded, is hungry and hunting, desperate and malcontent.
We can be set free only by dying to SELF.
Taking on a New Life: offered in one place only: the place called Repentance.
Offered by one qualified, sinless man, one God only: Jesus Christ, the spotless Son of the Most High. The God who chose to become a Man, the son of a carpenter, the lowliest of a down-trodden race of humans, and despised for it, even killed for it. All for the Joy that was set before Him: You, and me, and our enemies! The very ones we are instructed to pray for, He also died for. For noone is Righteous, no not one of us. And He who conquered Death, The Grave, Sin, and the Despair it breeds, HE is this One who calls your name now.
Look no further than Him. And spend a lifetime seeking His Face. Let Him back in: your life, your mind, your decisions, your present and your future. For He will never leave you, nor forsake you. He still hasn't, otherwise you wouldn't feel your own emptiness.
For HE has found you. And with YOU, Vernon, He is not angry, not disappointed....He is well-pleased :-)
Now, instead of answering your own questions, answer Him.
Great questions! In fact they're the same questions I asked myself years ago and still often do this day!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to discuss this blog because there is so much in it. So much truth... The meaning of life, as you refer to it, is in these words.
I do have 1 question tho... are you afraid of the fact that there may well be a higher power/being? If so, why?? Punishment?? Banishment?
If there is one small bit of advice I could give, it would be this - never stop asking questions! Always keeping seeking and moving forward... never become stagnant.
Thanks for your comments guys.
ReplyDelete@ Lacy, thanks for the insight but do you honestly think everything can be reduced to a singular cause and explanation like you suggest?
There is absolutely no ambivalence in your position and I'd be greatful if you would elaborate further.
@ Jason, I'm not afraid of a higher power because I've lived my life honestly in accordance with my sincere views on reality at a given point in time.
I think a higher being's wisdom transcends ideas such as "punishment/banishment" which are manifestations of primitive human emotions like the desire for revenge.
A higher power in my view would look beyond these primitive motivations.
I believe that a higher power would not punish me simply for being honest. I am open to revelation so at the end I'll make any necessary evolution but I don't think one can be punished purely because they possessed a particular level of consciousness in their quest for the truth.
Lets talk more about this guys I'm glad its finally out there in the ether.